Sometimes struggling not to be pushed down requires so much effort that it's easier to let yourself sink down. It's not a place of forward motion but at least you get to take a moment from your mental and emotional muscles working overtime. Eventually though, you're going to need to get back up to the surface for breath. You can't survive if you stay under water too long.
I know that each journey back up the waterfall makes me stronger. Each swim takes me a little further, I can last a little longer. I hope that one day I'll swim beyond the top and put down something solid where I can tie down a rope long enough to reach the bottom so that no others need to fight their way to the top the way we need to. If I can find a rope long enough, that is. This farce only lasts so long before the need to swim upstream is weighed against the ease of letting gravity do what it does.
And that's where I am today. You can't see my tears because sitting at the bottom of the waterfall, the heavy drops of wash my tears away from sight. I'm at the point where I'm done, exhausted. Will there ever be any respite?